Hiei's Arching Madness
by Hincaru
Summary: Ever wonder why Hiei couldn't survive living a normal life? Simple: "Ba baba ba ba." You'll love it. -ONESHOT-


**_Disclamer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, yet. X3 I can dream!! And I obviously don't have affiliation with anything McDonalds.  
CRACK_**

_p.s I've had some people ask me if this is yaoi or not. :3 My mouth is sealed. If you want them to be, maybe they are. If you don't want them to be, then maybe they aren't. It's all up to you._

**_Hiei's Arching Madness:_**

* * *

"Well if I don't _steal _it how am I supposed to_ get it for her_, Kurama?!" Hiei said exasperated.

It was nearing Yukina and his birthday and Hiei wanted to get her the new kimono she wanted, but it costs almost 10,000 dollars.

"Hiei, why don't you get a job?" Kurama said smileing widely.

"A job? With humans? Are you crazy?" Hiei aked, looking sincerely worried about the fox.

"Hiei wouldn't you feel better getting her a gift honestly?" Kurama asked, still smiling.

"This comeing from the great thief Youko Kurama?"

"..."

"That's not the point Hiei Jaganshi." Kurama said looking like a child with his hand in the cookie jar. "Let me get you a job. I'll like it, really!"

"You'll like it?!" Hiei lifted and eyebrow at Kurama.

"I-I mean you'll like it.. heh heh.. of course. You'll love it Hiei."

"Ehhh..." Hiei was getting ready to protest when Kurama gave him the big pouty fox eyes. Hiei stared at him for a long moment, trying so hard to ignore it.

"Pwwease?" Kurama asked in his cutest voice.

Must resist...

"Fine." Hiei heard himself say. Damnit.

Kurama hugged him tightly.

"Ok! I'll be back in a few hours and I'm sure you'll start tomorrow!!" Kurama said, still squeezing. Suddenly he dropped him, grabbed his coat and ran out the door.

"What did I just agree too.." Hiei sighed as the door slammed behind his friend.

Surely enough Kurama showed back up a few hours later with a large smile on his face.

"Ok, you'll start tomorrow working from 3pm to 11pm!" Kurama said happily.

"Where is it?" Hiei asked with a very serious look on his face.

"You'll find that out tomorrow." Kurama replied, hanging his car keys on a hook on the wall.

"How do I get there?" Hiei asked, trying to get his friend to slip up and mention his new job.

Yikes. That didn't feel right to Hiei. A job? Bleh.

"I'll drive you there!" Kurama said smirking. He was the fox, you couldn't fool him.

"What does it look like?" Hiei was getting desprate. He was still in disbalife that he agreed to this.

"I'm not telling you, Hiei, it's a surprise!" Kurama said, proceeding to stick his tounge out at his short friend.

"Can I have a hint?" Hiei asked letting his defensive walls down and showing his sad curiosity.

Kurama thought for a moment before smiling at Hiei again, and he simply sang: "Ba baba ba ba" and the fox walked elegantly into his own room and closed the door.

Hiei just stared, confused.

"What a stupid hint." he said before proceding to the bedroom and getting ready for sleep.

**The Next Day:**

"Up and and at 'em my tiny little friend!" Kurama said playfully to a sleeping Hiei. "You need to get ready for work!" he almost sang it. He looked like he was pulling an April Fool's Joke.

Hiei pulled himself out of bed and grabbed his cloak to put on.

"Ah ah ah!" Kurama said taking the black cloak away from Hiei and sitting blue genes and a red shirt in his hands.

Hiei stared down at the clothes for a moment before looking up at Kurama, very confused.

"It's your uniform." Kurama said, smirking evily now.

"What are you planning, fox?" Hiei asked narrowing his eyes at Kurama.

"Put your clothes on Hiei." Kurama said, grabbing his jacket and getting ready to go.

"Not until you tell me where I am going." Hiei said sternly.

"Why to work, of course!"

"You know what I meant, fox."

Kurama frowned at him for a moment. "Are you going to make me dress you Hiei, because I will if I must."

"I am capable of dressing myself!" Hiei said, slightly embarassed.

Against his better judgement Hiei did as Kurama asked and got dressed. The red shirt bagged off of him and if he hadn't been wearing three belts the pants would be around his ankles. He stared at himself in the mirror, disgusted by how much he looked like a human.

"Do I really have to wear this Kurama?" He asked, still watching his refelction.

Kurama appeared in the mirror behind him."What do you mean, Hiei. You look perfectly darling. You'll have to beat the girls off with a sti-"

Suddenly Kurama's disposition changed. He put his hand on Hiei's thigh and made him jump to the side.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, fox?" Hiei said angrily, and blushing.

"Take that sword out of your pant leg! Are you crazy you can't take a sword into a public place!" Kurama scolded him.

Hiei frowned and reluctantly took his sword from his pant leg. He couldn't believe he had been caught. Kurama took it from him and put it on the bed.

"Now then, shu shu! Out to my car!" Kurama was smirking evily again, but Hiei did what he said.

Hiei watched the world go by out of his window, expecting it to be a long drive, but after only a few minutes in the car Kurama slowed and turned the car into a packed parkinglot. Hiei looked up at the building in shock.

"This... is where you got me a job?" Hie said ina wavery voice.

Kurama laughed out loud.

"M... McDonalds..."

Kurama continued to laugh.

"Take me home, I'm not working here!" Hiei said half shocked half angry.

Kurama looked at him as if that April Fool's Joke went perfectly.

"But, don't you want to get that kimono for Yukina?" He asked smiling.

Hiei had a face fault.

"..."

He sighed and stepped out of the car.

"Be back at 11 exactly or I'm killing someone for everyone minute your late." and he slammed the door walking slowly into that hell hole.

He opened the glass doors slowly and walked in. Humans were everywhere. It was like they all gathered into a herd, like cattle. They were practically inhaleing greasy wads of fried cow.

Hiei felt sick just watching them, but before he had the chance to turn around and run someone started talking to him.

"So you must be Hiei." A woman said, standing in front of him. Her uniform matched Hiei's.

Hiei just nodded.

_Damn, I should have never agreed to this._ He thought

"Shuichi told me alot about you." She smiled widely, blushing at the thought of Kurama. Typical fan girl. "I am your strong willed manager, so don't think you're going to get special treatment just because you're Shuichi's friend! Though... you're kinda cute yourself..." She looked him up and down.

Hiei's eyes widened.

"What's my job here?" Hiei asked, quickly changing the subject.

"Oh, yes, of course. First you will work the window." She said in a childish voice.

Hiei looked very confused. He looked behind him at the glass doors and all of the windows.

"What do these windows have to do with serving food? And how am I suposed to 'work' it exactly?"

She started laughing at him. He stared at her annoyed.

_What's with human girls always giggling and pointing and whispering..._

"What's so funny?" Hiei asked finally.

"Not that window, silly." The girl replied her words traced with laughter. "You will take orders from people coming through the drive up."

"Why didn't you just say that?!" Hiei asked.

She satred at him for a moment, completely emotionless. "Someone didn't hug you enough as a child."

Hiei looked down. The girl hugged him. He pushed her away.

"I don't need your sympathy hugs!" he said. "Now where is my window damn it!"

**At the drive up Window:**

Hiei starred at his head set for five minutes straight before he heard it speak to him. This just made him stare harder. Slowly he put the headset on and listened.

"Yes, I would like a number two large, with a Dr. Pepper and a chicken nugget Happy Meal with a milk."

Hiei just stood there for a minute.

"Well what am I supposed to do about it?" Hiei replied.

"..." there was silence for a moment.

"Excuse me?" The headset said back in an angry voice.

Hiei remembered the manager telling him to speak clearly so he rose his voice.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?"

"I'm coming in there and I'm kicking your ass!" the man replied.

Hiei could hear tires squeeling outside and only moments later a very angry looking man walked in and up to the counter. He pointed at Hiei.

"You get your little ass over here pissant!"

Hiei raised an eyebrow at the man. The manager walked over, just in case there was going to be a problem.

_Are all humans this angry? It must be the steriods in the food._

Hiei walked over to the man at the counter.

"Yes?" Hiei asked patiently.

"Now what did you say to me again, squirt?" the man said in an angry voice.

"Are you the voice at the other end of my head set?"

"Um, duh!"

"I didn't realize you were hard of hearing. I said, 'What do you want me to do about it.'"

The manager stared at Hiei, her jaw on the ground. Then she turned to the man.

"I-I'm so sorry sir! Please, I will refund you everything and your food will be free." She turned to tell the cooks his order.

"How are we going to refund him, he didn't get anything." Hiei said, interupting her.

"That's because of you're a dumb ass" The man yelled.

"You don't have to raise your voice, human." Hiei replied, starting to look angry. "Don't you have a child in the car which you need to tend to?"

"Oh! now you're going to tell me how to take care of my kid?!" The man yelled back.

"How was that telling you how to raise a child?" Hiei asked.

"If you want a fight, piss ant, you have one. And I tell you what, you can throw the first punch." The large man threw his arms out and laughed.

"Really?" Hiei asked with a smirk, raising one eyebrow. "Well, the manager did say the customer is always right."

Everyone was watching now.

Very quickly Hiei moved from the ground to the counter and he punched the man only once, in his face. The large man went flying backwards into the condiment counter. Hiei jumped back to where he was, his face very stoic. He looked at his manager and spoke normally, as if nothing had happened.

"Do you want me to go back to 'working the window?'" He asked.

The woman just stared with her mouth wide open. Hiei gave her a strange look and shut her mouth himself.

"It's not very becoming." He simply said and started back towords the window.

**Later that day:**

The manager didn't think Hiei would do well at the window so she moved him to cash register, where she could keep an eye on him. This job was much easier. You saw who you were speaking too and the register was increadibly easy to use.

Then Hiei heard two loud boisterous voices that were sadly familure. He watched the glass doors, horrified, and he saw them. Yusuke and Kuwabara were making their way into the restaurant. Quickly he ducked down behind the counter so they couldn't see him. He wouldn't hear the end of it if they saw him there.

He could hear them getting closer until finally they stopped at the counter.

"Where's the register guy?" Kuwabara asked loudly.

"Hey boss lady! Where's the register guy?!" Yusuke yelled at the manager.

She turned around from the drive up window and saw Hiei ducked under the counter. He started waving his arms back and forth trying to signal to her to not mention that he was there.

She didn't catch the message.

"Hiei? What're doing there, The customers are waiting." and with that she turned back to the window.

"..." everything went silent for a moment.

_Damn loud mouthed humans._

Slowly Hiei rose, revealing himself behind the counter in his uniform. He sighed at the wide eyeed boys in front of him.

"How... can I help you?" he said stoicly.

Yusuke and Kuwabara laughed uncontroably, both almost falling over.

After a minute or so of non-stop laughing they could finally speak to Hiei while looking at him.

"What the hell man?!" Yusuke asked, still traces of laughter in his voice. "Why the hell are you working at McDonalds?!"

"Did Koenma tell you to this? How digrating!" Kuwabara said, still laughing.

"I'm not complaining, better you then me." Yusuke said smileing widely.

"What the hell do you want?" Hiei asked, annoyed.

"Ah, shit." Yusuke exclaimed and looked over at Kuwabara. "I forgot what Kurama asked for!"

Hiei's eye twitched. "Kurama sent you?"

"Yeah, he was really specific about which one to go to, too." Kuwabara said, thinking out loud.

"Yeah, we were clear on the other side of town when he called us. but he said 'Go to the one on Elm Street. I'll know if you went to a different one!" Yusuke said snickering. "I know what he meant now."

"I can't believe him." Hiei said, shaking his head. "And I can't believe he eats this grease ball steroid ridden stuff."

"Oh yeah!" Kuwabara exclaimed "He wanted a number 4!"

Yusuke patted the counter. "You hear that fry cooks?! A number 4!"

It only took a moment for the cooks to finish and hand Hiei that bag. He practically threw it at Yusuke.

"Now get the hell out of here." He said. The manager glared daggers at the back of his head. "And... come back soon."

Yusuke grinned evily at Hiei. "Hold on now little guy. I think I might want somthing else too. You know, something else with that." he pointed at the bag and put emphasis on the words 'with that.'

Hiei just glared at him.

"Hiei, do you know somthing I might want with that?" Yusuke asked still smiling.

Hiei continued to glare.

"Just say it or we're not going away." Yusuke added.

Hiei sighed. "Do you... want fries with that?"

Kuwabara stopped his camera. He had been recording the whole time. Yusuke and Kuwabara both laughed hysterically as they walked out of the building.

When they were long out of sight Hiei put his head on the counter and pretended to stop breathing.

_They're never going to let me live that down._

The manager walked over to him. "Hiei? Are you alright?"

He moved his head slightly so he could look at her.

"I hate you."

**Quitting Time:**

Hiei was standing in front of the glass doors to the hell hole. He was worn out, annoyed, and he had a migrain. And he had a funny feeling that this would be a good day on the job.

Hiei remembered what he promised Kurama before he got out of the car. That he would kill someone for every minute he was late. He was watching the clock and counting the seconds. Maybe if Kurama was late he would kill the high school kids who refused to leave even though it's a school night.

It was 10:59.. almost late. Ten seconds to go.

Five seconds...

Two Seconds..

Suddenly Kurama's car rushed into the parking lot and he slammed on his brakes right in front of Hiei.

Kurama flashed his best smile, Hiei glared back, opened the door, and got in.

"..."

"Sooooo... how was work today?" Kurama asked smileing brightly and carefully stearing his way through the dark streets.

"..." Hiei didn't reply.

"What did you think of it?" Kurama asked again.

"Oh..." Hiei said with an evil grin. "You'll get that answer tomorrow morning."

Slowly Kurama pulled up into the driveway of their home. He stepped out and started towords the front door, Hiei on the other hand got ourt and jumped back into town. Kurama just shrugged and went inside, and then to bed.

**The Next Morning:**

Kurama dragged himself out of bed, tired from lack of sleep. He had stayed up until three in the morning waiting for Hiei to get home, but he fell asleep despite his efforts.

Kurama stood and started towords the front door to get the newspaper, but then he saw Hiei currled up asleep on the couch. Kurama leaned over him and smiled down. He looked so much at peace. He was even smileing.

Kurama pulled himself away from Hiei and walked outside and grabed the newspaper. Slowly he walked back inside and into the kitchen. He poured himself some coffee and sat at the table. He took in the bitter aroma of the coffee and he took a drink. He flipped the paper open and there it was.

Hiei's answer spread across the front page.

The headline read: "Nightmare on Elm Street" The picture was of a smoldering pile of rubble where the McDonalds used to be and there were reports of a dragon being the culprit.

Kurama was horrified. He turned his eyes to Hiei, looking so innocent laying on the couch fast asleep. When Kurama turned back to the paper he saw a teaser headline at the side of the articles. "10,000 dollar kimono missing from local store. See the article on page D4"

"So.." Kurama said quietly to himself. "There are still thousands of McDonalds all over the world..." he smiled over at the sleeping Hiei. "So I guess McDonalds won."

* * *

_**End.**_

_review? :3_

_if you have the time please vote on the poll on my page :D_


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